The Shadow that Follows Me

As a young mom, I realize I am still learning and don’t know everything. I still have my bad days but I think everyone does. We live in a negative world focused on power and money. True happiness does not stem from either one of those things.

While I love being a mom and all things that come with it, I still struggle with depression. It follows me around like a shadow on a wall. Always there. Waiting to pounce on me.

Leading Up to the Present

Ever since my teenage years, I have had quite the rollercoaster experience. Many highs and lows have come and gone to get me to where I am today.

I have been through countless heartbreaks, people letting me down, one-sided friendships, controlling friendships, people lying to me and many people putting me down for what I stand for. While all these things affected me tremendously, they only fueled the fire.

What Started it All

Now I have never shared this part of my story. Only a few people know but I hope that sharing this part of me will help others know they are not alone and be able to help them through it.

My senior year in high school was unlike any other year. I knew that I was determined to finish strong in school. I did finish strong in the end but something happened in the middle that changed my life. Something that would affect me deeply for the following years to come.

I had gotten in a relationship that ultimately ended in my depression and anxiety as well as struggles with my body image. The relationship was very toxic. We always argued because we never agreed on things.

During these times, I became a huge punching bag. They would take it out on me. I was abused in many ways plain and simple. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally. They would also control every part of me they could (telling me what to wear, how to act, who to be around, doing everything for them, etc.).

Being a teenager going through this, I didn’t know how to process it. I started to internalize all of this and started to hate myself. No one in my life knew what was going on because I hid that part of my life.

As you can imagine, this took a huge toll on me. Those following years, I struggled more than anyone realized because I hid it so well and didn’t want to burden someone else with my problems. Countless times I contemplated ending my life.

And that is why I thank God every day for the life and blessings he has given me.

Dealing with the Present

Over the years, I have come to terms with what had happened. I have been to therapy and have learned to love who I am.

While the actual experience doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, I still struggle with little things here and there. I just try to only do what I can handle.

I have learned alot about my life and how I want to live my life. I also know what kind of life I want my children to grow up in and what I hope never have to experience.

Only focusing on one day at a time and finding positive things in my day, make all the difference for someone like me.

My outlook on life is so much more positive and full of joy that I know I am capable of being happy and successful.

While my depression and anxiety may follow me around, I refuse to let it control me for the rest of my life. I take new steps every day that I know will help me in negative situations that may arise.

I want to help as many people as I can who have been through similar things. Being a voice for people who need to be heard and understood. Being alone through something like that takes a big toll on somebody and I want to help any way I can.

You deserve the life you were given.

You deserve to be truly happy.

You are enough.

* Help me reach these people by sharing this with everyone you know. Someone out there is struggling to the point of thinking about ending their life. This world needs more love and compassion. We need to help one another because you never know what somebody is going through.

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  • Sistaaaaa

    I’ve been there myself through two years of hs and a year of college. It not only wrecks you and causes you to see yourself negatively, it breaks your trust of many people that otherwise deserve the chance. Little things hurt deeper and drag you further. But… out of the darkness came many wonderful things! Potholes can be filled but they still can be seen and rescraped right? Proud of you for sharing your struggle and journey! You’re worth more than gold ❤️

    • Katie

      You are very wise. Thank you and so are you! Yes it will always be with us but we can’t let it control us! It can only get better! ❤

  • Maureen

    Hi Katie,
    I just read your post of the shadow and can relate to alot of it. I suffer with depression and anxiety every day. I am on meds but still have BAD days every once in awhile. I am so thankful that I have a husband and wonderful son who help me with my daily journey. Thank you so much for addressing this issue and others. I know you personally and think you are a fantastic person. Good luck in your journey and with your blog.

    • Katie

      You’re welcome! I am so glad you have that support in your life. That’s very important especially on our bad days. I am glad to help others understand better what we go through. And thank you!

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